Time Collapsed

Time collapsed a little today when I walked a path you and I had walked together years ago. It’s strange, and not strange, how much I count now that you’re no longer here with me. I count the years, the anniversaries, the moments when past and present fold into each other. In places like this, where we once stood together, I can feel time sit on itself, where what was before and what is now collapse into a single moment. I’m grateful for days and places like this.

Today marks nineteen years from the day we said “I do”.

This is the eighth January 19th I’ve had without you.

Every year, I walk through this day differently from the one before. No two years are the same. The grief shifts, deepens, and intensifies in some ways, softens in others. I appreciate the uniqueness each year brings.

That day, nineteen years ago, the sky opened up, and the sun shone over the iced, snow-covered antique Italian villa in Tulsa. All of the challenges we faced to get to our wedding day, the uncontrollable weather, the last-minute change of venue, the unexpected blessing that led us to that gorgeous villa, and then how the sun broke through as we said “I do” and made our covenant official, all of it was so much like the story of our marriage.

We faced many challenges in our almost 12 years of marriage, yet we also experienced tons of light and joy. Just as you swooped me up for that wedding photo on the snow-covered lawn. And we laughed, oh, how our lives were filled with laughter! We carried the challenges of circumstances we couldn’t control alongside the joy and appreciation for the love we had together. All the time. Both at once. I’m so grateful for that gift.

Rich holding Kristi in his arms over the snow on their wedding day.

I’ve missed you every day. I’ve accepted that this is something I cannot change. And I’ve treasured the life we’ve had. I celebrate the joy you’ve brought me and how you've changed my life forever for the better.

I’ve been living quite the adventure since the last day you were here on Earth. I have a feeling I’m just getting started. I’ll have so many stories to tell you when we reunite in Heaven! I’m so grateful to God, our Father, for sending Jesus to be our Mediator and Savior. Because of Him, we have hope of being reunited. Because of Jesus, we have been made clean and given life forever. This hope brings such peace that the world cannot give. This is a peace that only Jesus can give through the Holy Spirit in us. What an inexpressible gift.

I am not lost. Not destitute. Not hopeless. My heart is full, and I know you’d be delighted to see the healing God has led me into. There’s much more healing to come. I know the future will bring opportunities for the Holy Spirit to heal places in my heart and soul that I don’t even know are hurting yet. And that’s okay. I can trust our Holy God with the tenderness in my heart, and I do. Fully.

I love you always and forever. Happy Anniversary.

For anyone interested in seeing nearly every photo from our wedding day, view the photo album here on Google Photos.